I was due....

Things have been going so well since I’ve been here…a bad day was bound to happen. And, last night I had my first good cry (which is the reason why I haven’t written for a few days. Trying to communicate when I’m in a sour mood is just not a good idea!).

I want to be completely honest and as transparent as possible in this blog, I want to be able to look back on this experience and remember the good/bad/ugly (but mostly the good), because this move is about growth and independence, struggle and success.

So, I let myself cry, eat cookies, and stream American TV on my computer all night.

There wasn’t any one event that set me into my upset state (although the fact that I am extremely clumsy, and broke my camera by dropping it, did not help). I think it was just a combination of day to day life and general feelings.

Of course, the root of most my negative thoughts is always money. Ugh. I wish money DIDN’T make the world go round. I was raised to believe that money is not essential to be happy, and I truly believe this...there are MUCH MUCH MUCH more important things to life (mainly you, the person that cares enough to read this). I think my thoughts revolve around the fact that sometimes I feel selfish for being here. While so many people are getting laid off, and really, truly struggling, I’m spending my savings on an adventure in Northern Sweden, not contributing in the work force or stimulating the economy (besides the Swedish Thrift Store economy!). Sometimes I just feel like I should be smarter with my finances. I feel like I should move home, and get a “real” job, because that would be the responsible thing to do. Most of the time when I think about these things I remind myself of the bigger picture, and that this experience will pay off in the end because of what I’m accomplishing musically and personally…but when I’m upset it’s hard to focus on those positive thoughts.

I also miss the States. I miss being able to READ. I love learning Swedish, and I’m starting to pick up a lot more than I thought I would. But, I still can’t read the newspaper, or the posters informing me of concerts, or mass emails form professors or student organizations, or the ingredients on the back of a food items….blah, blah, blah. It just gets exhausting trying to translate and feel informed.

I do get lonely sometimes, too. I think I’m ready to really settle in a place. I was getting very settled in Rochester before I moved. I loved my friends, the gym, ESM, the public market, etc…and although there were plenty of things I didn’t like about Rochester (like getting mugged!), I was really feeling comfortable. Now, I love Sweden. Although Ohio will always be home (don’t worry mom and dad), I know I’m going to start feeling “at home” here very soon. Then, I’m going to move again, and have to start over somewhere. The thought is exhausting!

That is mainly it. I was up until about 2am thinking and crying. Luckily mom, dad, and I Skyped at about 1:30am. The connection was bad, and kept cutting off, but it was still comforting to hear their voices. They were great, but knew that nothing life threatening was happening, I was just being me…and annoyingly emotional!

Sleep always helps, so I woke up and tried to put the past few days behind me. This morning I had plans to hang out with Louise (and Lisa….the adorable baby!) that I was looking foward to. We went to ICA, the Red Cross store, a store like Walmart, a coffee shop, and the liquor store (the only one in town, haha). It really helped getting out of the apartment/school environment, plus Lou is so easy to talk to. I did pick up a few things at Red Cross, including a very Swedish furry/leathery hat. You know one that covers your ears. I love it! Bring it on snow and freezing cold!

I’m feeling a lot better now. I’m going to head over to school and work on a new piece, some improv ideas from Anders, plus the concerto that I’m playing with Lakota West in December. It feels cleansing to get a lot of emotion out, and hopefully I won’t have any more breakdowns anytime soon. :)

But, it’s just all apart of the experience, right?